MIA (missing in action)

Firstly sorry for my long absence. Life has been very busy this summer.

We finally got hubby’s SA back and the results were not what we were hoping for. The count came back at less than 2 million, wish came as a bit of a shock. Another reason for the absence, we just weren’t sure how to process this. We had always assumed that the problem was with me. With having PCOS, it just seemed logical that that was the reason we were having trouble ttc. Why would we think it was anything else? After letting the news sink in we are trying to be positive moving forward. Hubby has to redo the test next month, to hopefully achieve a better result, he is now taking a variety of vitamins and supplements. He also has to have a full hormone screen.

As for me, I am waiting for an appointment for a lap and dye. I must admit this is making me feel slightly apprehensive, as I have never had any surgery or general anesthetic before.

However we will remain hopeful, it only takes one sperm and it has happened before, so in theory it is possible that it will happen again. Although, which each step IVF is looking more likely, until then we will keep a PMA and see if nature takes it course.

Words of wisdom

This week marks 1 year since we found out we were pregnant. I never expected that a year one I would be where I am now. No baby, not pregnant and now seeing a fertility specialist, with the notion that we need IVF becoming more of a reality with every passing month.

But I don’t know why I am worrying because according to the pregnancy oracles that I’m surrounded by, all I need to do is stop thinking about it and it will happen! If only someone had told me sooner I could have saved myself over 2 years of heartache and disappointment. I know deep down they mean well, but it is so patronising. How on earth does anyone expect you to stop thinking about the one think you want the most in the world, the one think that you so nearly had but was cruelly snatched away from you? Telling me not to think about it is like telling me not to breathe. It’s just not possible. Yes, I am trying not to obsess about it each month, with ovulation tests, charting my temperature, over analysing every single twinge, odd smell, weird feeling etc. All that has now stopped and I am trying to be more relaxed, but still there are no signs of that elusive BFP. Maybe it’s not as simple as just not thinking about it.

However, despite my feelings, I just nod and smile sweetly when people feel the need to share their little pearls of wisdom, because no-one wants to witness the crazy fertility challenged lady melt down when people are just trying to be nice.

Hopefully one day I will be able to share my own pearls of wisdom, but ones based on fact and scientific evidence, that hopefully wont make others feel like a failure.

X

Insensitive

Well it’s back to cycle day 1. I had another 35 day cycle so I am hoping that it finally means my body is settling down and things are regulating.

So its back to trying and waiting on more tests. I have booked my cd2 bloods for tomorrow, hopefully I will have some blood left by the time they have finished, there must be 15 different tests they want! Also I received a letter for a scan date for a scan on my ovaries for the beginning of July. It is here we come to the title of this post.

As any one ttc knows, cd1 is filled with upset and disappointment that another month of ttc has failed and you are back to the start. With each passing month that disappointment grows and the question of ‘will it ever happen?’ rings louder in your ears. So all in all today was not a good day. This was only compounded upon opening my scan letter. While reading my letter I came across the section informing me my scan will be performed ‘by a specialist in foetal medicine’. I don’t need a specialist it foetal medicine as there is no foetus in my womb (as if i needed reminding of that). As i continue to read, the letter informs me I will be able to purchase pictures from my scan. Why on earth would I want pictures of my ovaries and a photographic reminder of my empty womb? They have sent me out a generic letter they send for pregnancy ultrasounds. I can’t believe that they could be so insensitive. These test have been booked by my fertility specialist because I am struggling to conceive, surely someone must have notice who had ordered the test and thought that maybe this wasn’t the most appropriate letter to send. And if that is not bad enough my scan will take place in the same place I was told my baby had no heartbeat. I never wanted to go back there and certainly not when I am questioning whether this will ever happen for us. It makes me wonder was that my only chance? The one chance I had at been a mum, which was so cruelly snatched away, and now I have to sit in that waiting room again, maybe even enter the same treatment room. All this is difficult enough to deal with, without such an insensitive letter landing on my doorstep. Needless to say, I will be complaining to the hospital in the hope that i can spare anyone else this further torment.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult as I am soon approaching a year since we got our first BFP, and shortly after that it will be the anniversary of when we lost our baby. I am trying to be strong and focus on the positives but it is just so difficult some days when you receive these blows.

However, I must look at the positives, these tests are taking us one step closer to some intervention and hopefully our rainbow baby.

X

A new chapter

Today was my final counseling session and I must say how much it has helped over the past months. I now feel much more positive and relaxed, I am able to enjoy myself and do things for me, for the first time in many months. During the dark days following the miscarriage and the pit of despair that ensued leading up to what would have been my due date, I honestly never thought that I would ever get to this point, that I would never be able to smile again or have a positive thought of looking to the future. Although I am in a much better place now, it does not mean that I will ever forget my baby, or that I won’t have bad days, or those odd moments when tears prick my eyes, for what would seem no apparent reason. However I can live in hope again, that one day it will happen for us. One day we will see a positive pregnancy, experience the joy of seeing our baby’s heartbeat on that first scan and hold our newborn child in my arms. And with each day that passes, we are moving closer to that one day.

So for now, all I can do is keep trying and until that one day happens remind myself that I must enjoy today.

X

Waiting…

Firstly, sorry I have been rubbish at keeping up to date.

However the tests have begun…

I had my first lot of bloods taken today, second lot due if and when af decides to show her ugly face. DH is going to do his semen sample later this week and I am still waiting for an ultrasound appointment for another sneaky peak at my ovaries. Then we move on to the long wait for the results, but atleast we are on the train, heading down the track, to what will hopefully be our THB.

You would think that this TTC journey would have taught me to be more patient, but the waiting kills me every time and I find I am wishing my life away. I am always waiting to ovulate so that we can dtd and then I am trying to hurry along the days of the two week wait, only to start the process all over again when af arrives. This cycle I am trying to be more relaxed and not track ovulation so I can’t wish the days to speed up. However I still find myself urging time along to the next test or the next set of results. I feel like I’m no longer me. I’ve stopped being myself, stopped doing things I used to enjoy, stopped living my life. Now I’m just waiting. Waiting for ovulation. Waiting for af. Waiting for the next test. Waiting for the elusive BFP. Waiting to be a mum.

X

A rainbow for a rainbow baby.

A sign of positivity, at last!

This evening while looking out of my window, I saw the clearest most beautiful rainbow, going right over our house. During a TTC journey for our rainbow baby (a baby conceived after the storm of a miscarriage) I have not seen a single rainbow. However today, this beautiful sign of hope appeared at my doorstep. This cycle is filled with hope and anxiety as it is this time last year that we conceived our first child, which we sadly miscarried. There was much debating over whether to TTC this month or not, as it could be filled with panic and anxiety as the similarities would be obvious and we would end up with an almost identical EDD. However as I don’t always ovulate, we felt that if we have the opportunity to try then we should take it. Also if we waited and got pregnant another month, and the worst was to happen, we would end up with another month to avoid.

So on this month, which provided so much joy and hope to us last year, that elusive rainbow in the sky has appeared. Hopefully, it will bring a lucky rainbow baby with it. And maybe, just maybe we might get that desired pot of gold at the end of it.

Happy rainbow hunting to all.

X

And the wait continues…

So we have had our first visit with the fertility specialist. I’m not really sure what we expected and deep down I knew that it wouldn’t be a magic cure, but I secretly hoped it would. However it’s more tests! More of my blood being screened and tested. I’m starting to feel like a pin cushion. I’ve donated blood before and I’m sure with the amount that has been taken in our two years of TTC, it would add up to a sizeable donation. Another scan of my ovaries too, just to check again that they are littered with immature follicles. Hubby also has to have a semen analysis, just to check everything is ok.

However I must look at the positives and this is a step further, another rung on the ladder towards our rainbow baby. The specialists were very nice and did explain that the tests were a formality, just to ensure they had up to date information and once the results were in they could put us on the most appropriate treatment plan, which is looking more and more like IVF.

Although we left the clinic with my pathology slips, sperm pot and a little feeling of deflation. I must pick myself and carry on with our journey. And who knows, maybe we will get lucky again in the meantime and nature will take over and do what it’s meant to.

But for now we are on our way.

Another cycle down

I’m now on to a new cycle, after another dreaded visit from aunt flo.This month I felt extremely positive, especially when the wicked witch was late for her expected arrival only to be dashed. It has been nearly a year since my BFP (big fat positive). I know find myself in an awful dilemma. If we try this month and do fall pregnant I will possibly have the same EDD as last time. However I do not want to miss a month of trying, ovulation is not guaranteed every month, so I don’t want to miss a possible chance.

Well now to move forward and despite the disappointment this month, i am feeling quite positive about my appointment with the fertility specialist next week. I finally feel like we are moving forward and getting that one step closer to our take home baby. The TTC journey can be so draining. I often feel that I am trapped in an endlessly cycle of disappointment then hope and positivity, only to be met with disappointment again. The cycle starts with the disappointment of AF, then we move on to the positivity (and exhaustion) of your fertile period, followed by the hope, excitement and insanity of the two week wait. Every tiny change could be a possible pregnancy symptoms, an increase in appetite, a strange smell, an extra trip to the toilet in the night, a new acne outbreak, the list is endless. To finally end up with the devastating blow of the timely arrival of mother nature (who will sometimes be especially cruel, with a delayed arrival just to really build those hopes up).

Hopefully this will be the month the cycle breaks.

The story so far…

We began our journey of TTC in April 2013. I had always wanted children and was very excited to start this new chapter of my life. If only I had known it wasn’t going to be that easy! During our first month of trying I was so happy when aunt flo decided not to make her scheduled appearance. I couldn’t believe we had be lucky enough to get pregnant on our first attempt. However my joy quickly changed to confusion when every pregnancy test came up negative. The next month cam around. Still no period. Still no positive pregnancy test. I was so confused. I decided something wasn’t write and I needed to see a doctor. I went to the doctor who preformed an ultrasound. No baby!

Following this my doctor performed several scans and blood tests and confirmed I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I was devastated as I knew this meant it would be harder for us to conceive. We were given 6 rounds of clomid (a drug to stimulate your ovaries to induce ovulation). It worked, and I ovulated on the drugs, but unfortunately we did not manage to conceive. The clomid was stopped and we were told to try on our own for a further 6 months. By this time we had already been trying for 10 months. Then it happened…

Finally after 14 months of trying I was staring at two pink lines on a hpt. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening. I woke my husband to check the test and ensure I wasn’t seeing things. He agreed two lines. I took another test (by this time I’d amassed quite a stockpile) and there was no denying it, two pink lines, I was definitely pregnant. Father’s day, 15th June 2014, was officially one of the best days of my life. We thought after 14 difficult months, the hard times were over.

My husband and I were over the moon, we were making plans for a new little baby, arguing over names, clearing out the spare room etc. We were in our little expectant parents’ bubble. Devastatingly that bubble burst. Sunday evening I got out of the bath and felt a leaking sensation, it was blood. Thick, dark, red blood. I was petrified and we got straight in the car, off to A&E. They did some tests and decided to send me to a larger hospital with specialist staff to investigate. I was really worried but the bleeding was stopping and I wasn’t in any pain. Surely if something was wrong I’d be in pain, right? By the time I was seen at the hospital the bleeding had stopped and the doctor could not see any other worrying signs. I was sent home and told to come back on Tuesday morning for a scan. Tuesday, 15th July, slowly came round and I had had no more bleeding so was hoping everything was ok. After an agonising wait, it was finally our turn. The sonographer was very quite, but I could see her taking lots of measurements. Then she grabbed my hand and my heart sunk. ‘I’m so sorry but I can’t find a heartbeat’. Those words just rang in my head as the tears slowly fell done my face. We spoke to a nurse but nothing sunk in. We were heartbroken. Why us? What had I done wrong? It’s not fair!

We tried to dust ourselves off and started trying again straight away, I think it gave us something to focus on. I was desperate to be pregnant again, to not feel empty. I thought if I got pregnant before my due date then I could somehow try to make sense of what had happened. The end of the year was nearing and our February due date was growing ever closer and still no pregnancy. So, back to the doctors we went to be dealt another hard blow, I wasn’t ovulating again. Back on the clomid again for 3 months. 3 months of ovulation but no pregnancy. My due date came and went and still no pregnancy.

That pretty much bring us to where we are today. Our doctor has decided to refer us to a specialist and we have our first appointment later this month. I’m excited, as after 2 years ttc, I feel like we are moving forward and getting that one step closer to having our take home baby.