Words of wisdom

This week marks 1 year since we found out we were pregnant. I never expected that a year one I would be where I am now. No baby, not pregnant and now seeing a fertility specialist, with the notion that we need IVF becoming more of a reality with every passing month.

But I don’t know why I am worrying because according to the pregnancy oracles that I’m surrounded by, all I need to do is stop thinking about it and it will happen! If only someone had told me sooner I could have saved myself over 2 years of heartache and disappointment. I know deep down they mean well, but it is so patronising. How on earth does anyone expect you to stop thinking about the one think you want the most in the world, the one think that you so nearly had but was cruelly snatched away from you? Telling me not to think about it is like telling me not to breathe. It’s just not possible. Yes, I am trying not to obsess about it each month, with ovulation tests, charting my temperature, over analysing every single twinge, odd smell, weird feeling etc. All that has now stopped and I am trying to be more relaxed, but still there are no signs of that elusive BFP. Maybe it’s not as simple as just not thinking about it.

However, despite my feelings, I just nod and smile sweetly when people feel the need to share their little pearls of wisdom, because no-one wants to witness the crazy fertility challenged lady melt down when people are just trying to be nice.

Hopefully one day I will be able to share my own pearls of wisdom, but ones based on fact and scientific evidence, that hopefully wont make others feel like a failure.

X

Insensitive

Well it’s back to cycle day 1. I had another 35 day cycle so I am hoping that it finally means my body is settling down and things are regulating.

So its back to trying and waiting on more tests. I have booked my cd2 bloods for tomorrow, hopefully I will have some blood left by the time they have finished, there must be 15 different tests they want! Also I received a letter for a scan date for a scan on my ovaries for the beginning of July. It is here we come to the title of this post.

As any one ttc knows, cd1 is filled with upset and disappointment that another month of ttc has failed and you are back to the start. With each passing month that disappointment grows and the question of ‘will it ever happen?’ rings louder in your ears. So all in all today was not a good day. This was only compounded upon opening my scan letter. While reading my letter I came across the section informing me my scan will be performed ‘by a specialist in foetal medicine’. I don’t need a specialist it foetal medicine as there is no foetus in my womb (as if i needed reminding of that). As i continue to read, the letter informs me I will be able to purchase pictures from my scan. Why on earth would I want pictures of my ovaries and a photographic reminder of my empty womb? They have sent me out a generic letter they send for pregnancy ultrasounds. I can’t believe that they could be so insensitive. These test have been booked by my fertility specialist because I am struggling to conceive, surely someone must have notice who had ordered the test and thought that maybe this wasn’t the most appropriate letter to send. And if that is not bad enough my scan will take place in the same place I was told my baby had no heartbeat. I never wanted to go back there and certainly not when I am questioning whether this will ever happen for us. It makes me wonder was that my only chance? The one chance I had at been a mum, which was so cruelly snatched away, and now I have to sit in that waiting room again, maybe even enter the same treatment room. All this is difficult enough to deal with, without such an insensitive letter landing on my doorstep. Needless to say, I will be complaining to the hospital in the hope that i can spare anyone else this further torment.

The next few weeks are going to be difficult as I am soon approaching a year since we got our first BFP, and shortly after that it will be the anniversary of when we lost our baby. I am trying to be strong and focus on the positives but it is just so difficult some days when you receive these blows.

However, I must look at the positives, these tests are taking us one step closer to some intervention and hopefully our rainbow baby.

X

A new chapter

Today was my final counseling session and I must say how much it has helped over the past months. I now feel much more positive and relaxed, I am able to enjoy myself and do things for me, for the first time in many months. During the dark days following the miscarriage and the pit of despair that ensued leading up to what would have been my due date, I honestly never thought that I would ever get to this point, that I would never be able to smile again or have a positive thought of looking to the future. Although I am in a much better place now, it does not mean that I will ever forget my baby, or that I won’t have bad days, or those odd moments when tears prick my eyes, for what would seem no apparent reason. However I can live in hope again, that one day it will happen for us. One day we will see a positive pregnancy, experience the joy of seeing our baby’s heartbeat on that first scan and hold our newborn child in my arms. And with each day that passes, we are moving closer to that one day.

So for now, all I can do is keep trying and until that one day happens remind myself that I must enjoy today.

X

A rainbow for a rainbow baby.

A sign of positivity, at last!

This evening while looking out of my window, I saw the clearest most beautiful rainbow, going right over our house. During a TTC journey for our rainbow baby (a baby conceived after the storm of a miscarriage) I have not seen a single rainbow. However today, this beautiful sign of hope appeared at my doorstep. This cycle is filled with hope and anxiety as it is this time last year that we conceived our first child, which we sadly miscarried. There was much debating over whether to TTC this month or not, as it could be filled with panic and anxiety as the similarities would be obvious and we would end up with an almost identical EDD. However as I don’t always ovulate, we felt that if we have the opportunity to try then we should take it. Also if we waited and got pregnant another month, and the worst was to happen, we would end up with another month to avoid.

So on this month, which provided so much joy and hope to us last year, that elusive rainbow in the sky has appeared. Hopefully, it will bring a lucky rainbow baby with it. And maybe, just maybe we might get that desired pot of gold at the end of it.

Happy rainbow hunting to all.

X